Where We Went: Bojangles (Sexy and I Know It)

We definitely weren’t there for the fried chicken and biscuits, as delicious as they might be.

Kaiser and Wendy were high one Thursday. They were really high. And they were drinking. Relatively early in the evening, they told Peter Pan and Hendo that they were going out to pick up a couple of beers. They did get beer, but they drove around and finished them instead of taking them home. They admired Christmas decorations, and debated going home for the night. Then they crashed the local Bojangles holiday party.

It all started with this video:

If you didn’t watch it until the end, you probably should. Who knew adorable Fez would grow up to be such a stud?

Anyway, Kaiser and Wendy decided that they were drunk, and high, and they wanted to see someone’s dick wiggle. Luckily, Kaiser had a friend about 20 minutes away, hanging out at the Bojangles Christmas party, and the girls were sure they could get him to wiggle for them. They rolled into the parking lot, where four or five people were standing around smoking cigarettes and chatting. They cranked the music up loud, and danced like the alcoholics they were, to the vast amusement of their captive audience. After all that driving and effort, BP didn’t wiggle his dick for them. He did give them a blunt to smoke on the ride home, though. When Wendy and Kaiser stopped by his house to pick it up and socialize for a few minutes, they were enraptured by the houseful of kittens. Kaiser had already planned on adopting one of them, so it rode home on Wendy’s lap.

Peter Pan and Hendo were at home, on laptops and napping, when Kaiser and Wendy rolled in, hours after they left to get beer, way more intoxicated than they were when they left, with no beer and a tiny kitten. It was an excellent Thursday.

Where We Went: The Bowling Alley

Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don’t work, I don’t drive a car, I don’t fucking ride in a car, I don’t handle money, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don’t fucking roll! –Walter Sobchak, “The Big Lebowski”

This week, the heroes decided to shake up their routine and use some coupons they’d gotten for a free game of bowling each. Peter Pan, Wendy and their friend Kaiser rented absurd shoes and rolled like they’d never rolled before (ha!) Wendy won with a 103, Peter Pan came in second with a 59, and Kaiser heard failure trumpets ringing in her ears, coming in last with a 57. They hid their identities well. Kaiser played as LSD, Peter Pan became PCP, and Wendy laid back as THC.

Quick aside: Peacey P would make an awesome stage name.

One of my ex-roommates always said that bowling reminded her of her grandmother. I disagree. I can’t think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon than getting high and going to a local, half-abandoned bowling alley. For extra hipster credit, try hosting a mini Lebowski Fest in your overcrowded, messy, incense-scented apartment. Serve white Russians (there’s a great recipe here) and smoke joints while you watch the movie. Bonus points are awarded for playing whale song in your bathroom. Then, go bowling.

The dude abides.